02.05.10
Coming Clean about Confrontation
When it comes to confrontation, what do you do? Do you fight for what you believe, or do you concede to the other person for peace’s sake?
Confrontation #1: You and your significant other come home late from work, and it’s been a bad day all around. Dinner needs to be made. You usually take turns cooking, but SO has had extra work this week, so you’ve cooked for the past four nights in a row. You would like SO to cook tonight, but when you look for him, he is already napping.
Confrontation #2: Your mother, who lives halfway across the country, wants you to visit her for a week to help her move. The last time you saw her was the holiday a few months ago, but you cannot afford to take the time off work right now. When you tell her that, she insists that your boss will understand, and that family is more important.
Confrontation #3: Your group of friends is going to a club that is not really your scene. You have gone with them before, but tonight you don’t want to go even though you don’t have other plans. When you tell one person that, she teases you for being a party pooper. Five minutes later, you get text messages from everyone else telling you that you should come.
Confrontation #4: You are trying to get a promotion at work, but in this recession, you know you are lucky just to have a job. Your coworker has been slacking in her duties, so you have taken on some extra tasks, trying to be a team player and hoping to be recognized for your effort. However, your boss reprimands both of you for not fulfilling your responsibilities.
The Pushover vs. the Bitch
I often feel that women are pigeon-holed into one of two stereotypes: the nice, sweet girl next door who will do anything for you (Jane in 27 Dresses, Mary Anne from The Baby-sitters Club), or the heartless, self-centered bitch who will trample you in her 5-inch heels to get her way (Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, Regina George in Mean Girls). Personally, I fall into these stereotypes myself; sometimes, when I’m trying not to be mean, I’m too much of a pushover, and other times, when I don’t want to be taken advantage of, I’m too much of a bitch. It’s finding the middle ground that’s tough.
I believe that most people want to get along with others. Human beings are social creatures, and we crave interaction and meaningful relationships. However, when we feel used or pushed by other people, our defenses go up. Some of us suppress the indignation in order to be polite; however, we may end up releasing our frustration later by blaming ourselves or by taking it out on other non-involved parties. Some of us, when pushed, lash out at the offender immediately by fighting, yelling, or refusing to listen. None of these reactions are healthy.
Be Assertive
It’s the difference between passivity, aggression, and assertiveness.
Passivity is tempting when we want to be well liked and viewed as a good, kind person. However, when we are too passive, we can be ignored and taken advantage of. We lose some self-esteem and may become cynical or bitter.
Aggression is tempting when we want to stand up for ourselves, be recognized and rewarded. However, when we are too aggressive, we don’t respect others and we turn into bullies. There may be a negative snowball effect, where we constantly have to fight to keep our dominance.
Assertiveness is the balance. Ideally, we should stand up for our beliefs, listen to others, and compromise over disagreements – a compromise to which both parties are amenable. We should be able to respect other people while at the same time acknowledging our own needs. LIVESTRONG.COM offers an insightful article: “Improving Assertive Behavior” (James J. Messina, PhD, 11/18/09). I found the sections “Ten Assertive Rights of an Individual” and “Six Myths That Encourage Non-Assertive Behavior” especially helpful.
Self Advocate
So, what would you do in the four confrontations described earlier? Unfortunately, I have handled each one of them poorly, acting either too passively or too aggressively. Like many people, I am still learning what it means to be assertive. What I’ve learned so far:
The key to assertiveness is knowing yourself. Know your beliefs, needs, and desires. Know what you will not sacrifice, and what you can let go. Then seek to know the other person. Once you understand each other, you can solve the problem and come to an agreement that will have everyone feeling better.
01.31.10
Self Acceptance
Maybe the hardest thing to do in life is to listen to yourself, no matter what. Most people associate peer pressure with adolescence, but I don’t think it’s just a teenage affliction. Many adults, myself included, feel the stigmas and judgmental stings of other people’s expectations. I can’t help but want other people to be proud of me, and I can’t help feeling like a failure when they aren’t.
I spoke to an old friend the other day, and when I told him how I was doing, he belittled my quaint, “domesticated” lifestyle now. True, I left a well-paying, tenured teaching job for the country, a part-time job, and my boyfriend. At a glance, it looks like I’ve made a mess of my career, and that I’m trying to make up for it by playing house. According to everything I’ve been taught in my upper middle class childhood and education, I’ve gone backwards.
However, in reality, I’ve never been so happy, so content with my life. The truth is, I was overly stressed and miserable as a teacher, and I never had the time to enjoy my earnings. Now I’m focusing on myself, what I want to do with my time, and I’m having much more fun baking burnt cupcakes (“crater cakes,” as my second dried-out batch was dubbed) and muffins from scratch than I ever did planning lessons or grading essays. 
I finished knitting one Christmas stocking this week, and I felt more proud of that accomplishment than of earning my Master’s degree.
Insanity, or perspective? What’s more meaningful here?
I’m not advocating for everyone to give up fast-paced competition and a prestigious career for Little House on the Prairie (although Laura Ingalls Wilder certainly qualifies as an MDH!). I do believe that everyone deserves to find balance in her life. Everyone deserves to decide what is most meaningful to herself, and to pursue it, no matter what all the other judgmental voices say.
While I want my friends and family to be proud of me for what I’ve done, it’s more important for me to be proud of myself. Sometimes I forget how much courage it takes to follow your dreams in the face of other people’s misunderstandings. It’s so easy just to agree with them, laugh it off and make excuses. I need to hold my head higher, show that I accept and embrace my life. There’s a strength of character in making the right choices for yourself, even though they may not be the popular ones.
01.22.10
The Class That Wasn’t Zumba, and Other Cancelled Plans
If you’re anything like me (and, apparently, the rest of the world) when it comes to going to the gym, you suddenly have a hundred more important chores to do. It’s a huge exercise cliché – “Oh, I keep meaning to go to the gym; I just never make it” – but it’s one I hear everywhere: conversations with friends, magazine articles, and fitness forums. Well, for the past two weeks, I have (with the help of my pushy, albeit well-meaning, BF) forced myself to make that drive to the gym no matter what. My motivation right now (besides the Bridesmaid Dress Challenge) is the thrill of trying new classes. Zumba, Spin, Turbo Kick, you name it – I’m going to check out everything my gym has to offer. Unfortunately, what it offers isn’t always what it claims.
The first sign of a problem appeared when I downloaded a copy of the fitness classes off the gym’s website. “Dance to Slim” looked like a fun class from the description, but was nowhere to be found on the gym’s actual calendar. No problem. Maybe the website hasn’t been updated, or the instructor took a leave of absence this month, or something. There were plenty of other options.
The second problem came Wednesday night last week, when I went to Zumba only to find a group of kids playing basketball instead. Okay… The girl working at the desk seemed to have no idea why there wasn’t a Zumba class. I buddied up with another confused woman who was also looking for the non-existent Zumba, and we decided to join in another class that was halfway through. It was some sort of Tae Bo cardio, and it brought back memories of working out to Billy Blanks videotapes ten years ago. All the kicking worked my legs and worked up a sweat, so I considered this Non-Zumba class a good alternative. It wasn’t a total loss.
The third problem began to irritate me. On my day off this Monday, I tried to go to Spinning at 11:30. I arrived at 11:25, and the Spin room was locked and dark. I waited in the main gym for five minutes, stretching and warming up. Nothing happened. I waited five more minutes. Still locked and dark. The useless guy at the desk seemed to have no idea why there wasn’t a Spin class, and no one still had any idea why there was no Zumba last week. Not to waste my time, I spent half an hour on the elliptical machine, and then went home for a little yoga routine on my Nintendo DS. But what is going on here?
I am trying to keep my New Year’s fitness resolution, but it is hard enough to get myself out of the comfort of home. If I think that, chances are, my exercise class will be cancelled anyway, I’m even less likely to go. I need my gym to be reliable and help motivate me to work out more!
That said, I also need to be strong myself. Flexible, so if one class is cancelled I’ll do something else instead. Persistent, so I can face and overcome roadblocks. Creative, so I’ll stay inspired and enjoy this challenge. Tough, so I accept no more excuses. Cancelled plans just leave room for new ones to be made. It’s not an easy lesson. Fitness isn’t just physical; it’s also a mindset.
01.13.10
The Bridesmaid Dress Challenge
Most women and girls today deal with body-image issues of some sort. I am no exception. I am one of those paradoxes (hypocrites?) who eschews dieting and superficial fashion magazines, but who also wants to look as beautiful and glamorous as the models and celebrities in said magazines. If it’s any consolation, I am very self-aware of it. I realize that beauty and glamour are not about looking exactly like fashion models; rather, style is about choosing the clothes that look best on you, your particular features. However, what happens when you’re forced to wear a dress that was definitely not designed for your body type?
No one would call me fat, but I have gained weight in the past five years, and I’ve grown flabbier and chunkier. Unfortunately, all that new flab and chunk is located in my thighs and ass. For someone who is only 5 foot 2 and a half, this looks rather disproportionate. Some may call me pear-shaped, others bootylicious; I just feel like a Weeble.
Thus far, I have addressed these flaws by going on random work-out binges and draping my flab in flattering A-line skirts and flare-leg pants. Then my cousin asked me to be a bridesmaid in her May wedding, and chose slim-fitting trumpet-skirt dresses that reveal every curve and chunk. No hiding my shape now. The horrifying moment of truth came at the bridal store when the salesgirl took my measurements, and my hips measured two sizes larger than my chest. The Weeble-wobble figure in the mirror was not just a figment of my imagination; the proof was there, on the tape measure, for everyone to see.
Nevertheless, I am determined not to shrink beside the other, Barbie-proportioned bridesmaids and bride. I will not wallow in pear-shaped self-loathing. I will look just as good in that dress. I will change my shape. I’m not even sure if it’s possible to change one’s body shape, but I’m going to try anyway.
Now begins my latest work-out regime: The Bridesmaid Dress Challenge, to lose 5 pounds and slim down 2 inches off my hips and thighs by May, to be model-worthy for the wedding. I know that “looking good” on its own is not a worthy fitness goal; that women should aspire to be healthy, active, and able, not just to fit into a bikini or skinny jeans. But is it so bad that my motivation to get started is appearance-based? Can’t I just exercise for bridesmaid-dress’ sake right now, and continue healthy living for myself later?
Well, here goes. Being very self-aware, I know that I tend to stick with work-outs when they’re with classes or groups. Hence my love of Zumba and Kickboxing classes at the gym. (Sadly, between my new job and the holidays, I have not been to either in the last two months. Time to start up again!) In addition, I’m going to try Spinning – I hear it’s great for toning your legs, and may be just what I need to kick ass in this dress.
Is this shape issue all in my head? Maybe. Could it hurt to exercise regularly and try to follow a healthy lifestyle? I think not. And maybe along the way, I’ll learn to appreciate my body for what it can do, not just how it looks in a dress.
01.12.10
Resolutions Under Review
I love New Year’s Resolutions. I am a dreamer, a planner, a list-maker; nothing invigorates me more than creating goals for my life, the satisfaction of imagining all that I could achieve. I have a Dream Journal, a little place where I have been recording my resolutions and goals since 2001, with check-marks next to my accomplishments. I like to look through it once in awhile; it shows how much I’ve grown and what fabulous things I’ve done. This, for me, is the appeal of January 1.
My BF, on the other hand, scoffs at such things. “What’s the point of making New Year’s Resolutions,” he argues, “when people should be doing those things any time of year, not just one special day?” He has a point. To which I reply, “Absolutely people can and should make goals at any time, but this special day allows us to reflect on our progress – to decide what we want to change and what we can keep going.”
New Year’s gives everyone a chance to dream, to want something larger than their ordinary lives. For one day, we all imagine being greater than we are. Of course, many of our plans never last past January 31. Of my 11 resolutions of 2009, I only really accomplished two (get my Master’s degree, and move in with BF). It’s not that I don’t mean well, or that I don’t still want to do those things. So why did most of my goals fail?
Business experts tout SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-framed (Annette Richmond on career-intelligence.com). If our goals are just dreams, they probably won’t materialize. That could explain why I didn’t complete the Self Challenge last March, or a 50,000 word novel last November, or knitting two Christmas stockings this past December. None of those were realistic for my lifestyle in the time available.
When we were kids, anything was possible: we could do and be anything, with a little imagination. As we grow older, reality sets in, and sometimes our cynical self-doubt hinders our own progress. In order to achieve our goals now, we need to set concrete, SMART steps to get there. This year, I’m revising my resolutions to make myself more successful.
10 Resolutions for 2010:
- Lose 5 lbs. by my cousin C’s wedding on May 30.
- Work out every day off work, which is 2-3 times per week.
- Finish knitting 2 Christmas stockings by Dec. 24.
- Cook dinner or bake dessert at least once a week.
- Blog at least once a week.
- Finish drafting a novel by Dec. 31.
- Publish one short story or article by Dec. 31.
- Practice driving stick shift at least once a month. (My ultimate goal is to get a Mini Cooper!)
- Keep active and trying new things. Do at least 5 of the following activities this year: golf, bike, rollerblade, tennis, surf, wakeboard, kayak, sail, snowboard, ski, or ice skate.
- Be more flexible with plans, more willing to adjust my expectations and habits. (Okay, this is more of an abstract idea, since I can’t really measure my progress weekly. Also a little ironic, since I’ve just finished blogging about checklists and making plans.)
01.11.10
Purple Velvet Cupcakes
This year is about firsts – being brave, forging ahead, trying new things, etc. Last Thursday I baked cupcakes from scratch for the first time.
The background: Philosophy is one of my favorite bath and body brands, and my mom sent me a little set called The Recipe Box for Christmas. It came with two bath and shower gels scented Red Velvet Cake and Sweet Creamy Frosting, and recipes to make each (the food, not the shower gels). On my day off last week, I decided to try them out. Why not?
Of course, this was the first time I tried baking from scratch. The first time I had made brownies (from a box), I broke the whisk and burnt the brownies to the pan. I had no doubts that this would go just as well, and I was not disappointed. Some highlights:
- We do not have an electric mixer, so everything was not only baked from scratch, it was all mixed and stirred and beat by hand. I felt like Laura Ingalls Wilder, sweating for my food.
- We also do not have a sifter. This became a problem when the directions said to “sift the flour and salt.” I used a colander instead. Effective, but messy. Enough flour made it into the mixing bowl, but even more ended up on the counters and floor. Luckily, the colander actually sifted the flour well!
The recipe also called for 1 ounce of red food coloring. That seems like a lot of dye, especially after I realized I had bought 4 cups of buttermilk (when I only needed one) but only an assorted pack of .25 oz food dyes. I looked at the pack of food dyes, and made an executive decision: I’d use all .25 oz of the red, and the .25 oz blue as well. I’d make my red velvet cupcakes purple instead! It’d only be half an ounce of food dye total, but it would have to be enough. Turns out, it was too much. Apparently you don’t need a lot of blue dye to make purple. I made a sort of black-brown-purple instead. My BF kindly laughed, “You invented a new color!” I called it Black Forest Purple. He called it Burple.- The cupcake batter was dark and thick and gunky, so that it would not drip nicely into the cupcake cups. I had to sort of spoon/scrape it out instead. Not sure if that’s normal.
Not to worry, friends, in the end the cupcakes turned out fine! The icing was sweet enough to cover up any flaws in the cupcake taste (too much vinegar?), and when I brought the batch into work, they were all eaten within the hour. My Black Forest Purple Velvet Cupcake venture was a success. Maybe next time I’ll make them green, or orange…
12.18.09
Keeping Up With the Coaches (and Juicy, and Louis, etc.)
Holiday Gifts in Perspective
Now, I don’t know when or how the tradition of giving gifts for Christmas and the holidays first started. I don’t know when or how it exploded into the feature of festivities that it is today. I do know that at the same time I look forward to holiday gift-giving, I also dread it.
Sometimes, you’re lucky enough to remember the fundamental purpose for exchanging gifts: to express our love and care and to thank our favorite people for everything they do. Other times, it is way too easy to become caught up in the materialism and competition of the season. Store sales and commercials don’t help the cause; every time I see the Home Goods commercial for “triumphant joy,” I cringe. Since when is Christmas about winning?! This is just an example of a common attitude today – the myth of spending our paychecks and souls to give the best gifts.
Of course, we want to find the best gifts for precisely that fundamental purpose I mentioned earlier, to show how much we love and care about the recipient. If we don’t keep everything in perspective, however, gift-giving quickly becomes a stressful chore and not an act of generosity. Some situations are especially challenging. Here are five potential present problems I’ve encountered, and the solutions I’ve used to address the stress.
Potential Present Problem #1: The Gimme Kid. This poor person is on advertisement-overload. Every time a new toy enters his vision, he has to have it. His list to Santa has tripled in the last three days. The problem is, most likely he won’t ever use (or even remember) half those items. So what’s the point of indulging today’s whim when tomorrow it’ll be forgotten?
- Stress-Less Solution: Think back to a time BC (Before Christmas). What did he like back then? Chances are, this is a lasting interest, one that will continue AD (After Decorations are taken down). Better yet, is there a hobby the two of you both enjoy? Related equipment could be something you use together long after the last Christmas-toy commercial airs on tv this year.
Potential Present Problem #2: The It-Girl. This girl is trendier than Paris and Britney on their best days. She only appreciates labels and items featured in the latest Vogue, or as seen on Extra. The trouble is, you can’t keep up. Who’s to say that must-have Coach bag will still be on the A-list Christmas day? And Juicy Couture and Louis Vuitton are a bit beyond budget, anyway.
- Stress-Less Solution: Don’t try to out-trend this fashionista. Instead, look for coordinating alternatives. A jewelry box for her Juicy charms, or a shoe wheel for her Manolos. A subscription to her favorite magazine, or a gift certificate to a spa. The idea is to get her something she can use while pursuing the trends herself.
Potential Present Problem #3: The Guy Who Has Everything. Every perfect-gift-idea you’ve had so far has been nixed because he already has it. He’s the type of guy who, if he likes something, gets it for himself. If he hasn’t gotten it, he doesn’t want it. Sometimes, he’ll tell you exactly what he’d like. But if he doesn’t, it’s difficult to discern the perfect, original gift for him.
- Stress-Less Solution: The good news is that this guy is usually very practical. He won’t mind conventional items, and he’d probably appreciate them more than trinkets or gadgets he either already has or doesn’t want. Instead of fancy razors or expensive cologne, choose his preferred bottle of wine, tickets to his sports team, or a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant. He sticks with what he likes, and you should, too.
Potential Present Problem #4: The Critical Friend. She knows that gifts show how much you care, and she’s out to prove who cares the most. She knows the prices, sales, and every deal out there, she’s determined to get the most bang for her buck… and she’s ready to size up yours. Some call her judgmental; she says she has standards. How can you find something that measures up?
- Stress-Less Solution: You can’t change her attitude, but you can adjust yours. No matter how much you spend, personalized or homemade gifts are always thoughtful. (Warning: As I found out this year, knitting only half a Christmas stocking in the past two weeks, when it comes to homemade gifts, what you save in money you spend in time. Make sure you have extra time.) Sometimes it’s hard to know what she’ll like, because what she likes most is winning. When in doubt, I always go with something I’d like for myself.
Potential Present Problem #5: The Secret Santa That No One Follows. Your family, coworkers, or group of friends are doing a gift exchange, and you’ve all pulled names out of a hat and set a $20 price limit. Then you find out that some people are spending more than $20, or are getting gifts for everyone anyway. You don’t want to look stingy, but should you over-spend as well?
- Stress-Less Solution: A personal gift that speaks to someone’s hobby or interest goes a longer way than a more expensive generic one. Spend more on thought than price. If people are getting gifts for everyone despite the secret santa rules, and you want to show them that you’re thinking of them as well, there are a few options. Photos – a little album or collage – are great mementos; letters are thoughtful and emotional (especially hand-written); and plans to spend time together in the new year are ways to enforce your friendships.
When it comes to giving gifts, I am a fan of personal ones. Care more about the person than the item, and you won’t go wrong. Happy Holidays!
12.08.09
Home and Back Again
Here I am, back after a two-week holiday hiatus. I didn’t plan on not blogging through Thanksgiving vacation, but somehow it happened. Or didn’t happen. I went back to New Jersey for the week. I automatically wanted to say, “I went back home for the week,” but to be truthful, it doesn’t feel like home anymore. On the other hand, just standing in my parents’ house again made me feel like I’d never left. The flight from Oklahoma City to Newark instantly transported me back in time one year.
I arrived on Thanksgiving with every intention of spending the week clearing out all the stuff that I had left behind this summer – finally, irrevocably moving out and on. Instead, nothing changed and I succumbed too easily to old temptations: sleeping in too late, lounging in front of the TV, and shopping. Ah, New Jersey malls. The Jersey girl in me was ecstatic, but my Oklahoma budget was crippled.
Needless to say, I came back home this week without having cleared out of my parents’ house but with a lot more stuff, including some early Christmas gifts. And a fresh reminder of why I was so eager to move in the first place. I don’t know if it was living in my parents’ house or in New Jersey, but it was definitely living in a quicksand trap of indolence. Last week, I relived my lazy days of 2008 and prior: wanting to do bigger and better things, but lacking the ambition to go out and do them. Maybe my NJ life was too comfortable; here in OK I can be a pioneer in the wild west. Comfortable is usually a good feeling, unless you’re trying to make dramatic changes in your life. As much as I loved going back to see my best friends and family, I don’t belong there now. As much as I miss my best friends and family, I’m happier here now.
Sometimes, you go back to your childhood home, and the memories make you miss the good old days. Sometimes, you go back and realize it’s not your home anymore.
11.25.09
Whose Home for the Holidays?
Every year towards the end of November, I breathe in contentment: I’m finally getting used to the cold weather so I can appreciate autumn, more days off work mean more time for friends and relaxation, and the influx of holidays brings lots of parties and family gatherings. At the same time however, I feel that little bubble of panic: the days are too short, holiday shopping is too stressful, and everyone demands too much of my time.
One of the worst parts of the holidays is trying to divide the time and events among families. Of course our families all love us dearly, and of course they’d like to see as much of us as possible. Naturally, since our lives are so busy, the holiday season is when most of that visiting is supposed to occur. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to visit everyone at once. When I’m not able to, I can’t help feeling guilty for disappointing my family and, to an extent, myself.
In immediate families, we are lucky because our parents have been practicing splitting family time for the whole of our lives. My parents are still together, and their families still live in NJ for the most part. This means we’re able to visit both sides of the family for each holiday. Over the years, it’s become relatively easy for us to split Thanksgiving afternoon and evening, and Christmas Eve and day between my mom’s side (a big Greek family) and my dad’s (a big Irish family). We’re not always able to catch cousins and such, and I’m always sad about that. Nevertheless, our holidays have always been pretty smooth.
Distance, divorce, and new relationships (say, getting married or moving in together) complicate matters. This year, my BF and I had the fun experience of trying to divide holiday time among our families. Distance was our first hurdle. From Oklahoma, it’s just not feasible to visit New Jersey (my family) and Illinois (his family) in the same week. We had to split holidays: we chose Thanksgiving in NJ, Christmas in IL. 
Let me tell you, it still hurts that I won’t see my family on Christmas for the first time in 27 years, but I have to get used to it, right? And next year, we’ll alternate. The second hurdle was each holiday’s schedule. For Thanksgiving, I let my parents handle that, since they’re so accustomed to making the plans: Thursday with my mom’s side, and Friday with my dad’s this year. Christmas was a little more complicated. BF’s parents are divorced and living on separate ends of the state, and BF’s older brother lives in the middle in Chicago. BF spent hours arranging everything, finally planning to spend Christmas Eve with brother and his wife, Christmas with dad, and the day after with mom and stepdad. Phew.
Even though we straightened out the schedules and made decisions together well ahead of time, splitting the holidays is tough. Maybe it’s because I’m one of the oldest children in my family (no one in my generation has children of their own yet), but I’m not used to missing anyone on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Now I’m the one who’ll be missed, and I feel horrible about it, like I’m letting my family down. I know that they understand and love me all the same, but still… I have to remind myself that I’m not giving up my family, I’m adding his.
In new relationships, when you’re deciding boundaries for the first time and making new traditions, it’s important to stand with your partner. Support each other, and don’t blame each other for the hard choices or guilt. You’re in this together, with all of your families.
11.24.09
Hey Baby, What’s Your (Biochemical) Sign?
As Flannery O’Connor once eloquently explained, “A good man is hard to find.” These days, it seems even harder to accomplish.
When looking at couples, I generalize people into three categories: (1) in a relationship and happy, (2) in a relationship and unhappy, and (3) not in a relationship. Of the three, the first seems to be shrinking, even though most people agree that they want to find that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with.
So what makes that special someone so special? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? Do we have one true love, or several (or many) throughout our lifetimes? And more importantly, how do we find them?!
In the Time article “The Biology of Dating: Why Him, Why Her?” (Jan. 31, 2009), Belinda Luscombe interviewed Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has researched the links between genetic traits, brain chemicals, and nurtured personality. Most people acknowledge that both nature and nurture impact who we are (what we look like, how we behave, etc.), but Fisher pushes this impact to the romantic sphere as well. In her studies, she has found four brain chemicals – dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen – which are present in our brains in different amounts, and that affect personality and our dating habits.
So what does all this mean for us?
- Do you have a “type” that you constantly go for? Well, all those guys who were just clones of each other may have shared the same dominant brain chemical.
- Do you always go for the “bad boys”? Those guys may have been a bad match for your dominant brain chemical.
- Is your significant other (SO) very similar to you in tastes and habits? You may share dominant brain chemicals. On the other hand, if you’re very different, you may be chemical-opposites (dopamine and serotonin, or testosterone and estrogen).
- Do you and your SO always fight? Fisher advises couples to understand the type of person (brain-chemical-wise) that your partner is, and to try to discuss issues from his/her perspective. People with different dominant brain chemicals tend to have different interests and even use different language when communicating!
- Are you taking birth control or other daily medication? These drugs and hormones can alter your brain chemicals, which means you may be attracted to a different type of person than normal. If you stop taking the medication, you may not be interested in this person the same way.
- Are you looking for true love? Think about whether your ideal mate would be adventurous (dopamine-dominant), laid-back (serotonin), strong-minded (testosterone), or considerate (estrogen). Also consider that your interests may change depending on your situation (starting college, raising a family, etc.).
This model reminds me of Humorism, the ancient and medieval belief that four humors – black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood – are present in our bodies in different amounts and affect our personalities. In its advice, this model also reminds me of astrology, and the idea that zodiac signs influence our personalities and can guide our actions. In all these generalities, don’t forget the individual characteristics of your partner. The important point is that we could all do well to understand our partners, potential partners, and ourselves better.
